


Nimons: Total Retribution

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Movie Night, Non-Graphic Violence, One Shot, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's movie night on the TARDIS, and the Doctor and Romana learn that their exploits have inspired the creation of a rather historically-inaccurate action blockbuster. </p>
<p> *</p>
<p>    “How many Nimons have you seen today?” Romana snaps.<br/>“I have seen three… THOUSAND!” Soldeed presses a button. Ancient-sounding choral music plays as a metal door behind him opens, and sure enough, behind it are thousands of Nimons. Thousands of Nimons armed with heavy machine guns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nimons: Total Retribution

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote something not angsty for once! Strongly recommend that you have knowledge of the wonderfully so-bad-it's-good serial that is The Horns of Nimon before reading.

    Romana can’t help but be afraid when she hears the Doctor say, “I’ve found something interesting, come look!” Words like that coming from him are practically guaranteed to be portents of doom.

    She grits her teeth and prepares for the worst. “Doctor, I do hope you haven’t chosen to endanger both our lives again.”

    “I don’t think it will be any danger. K-9 found something downright fascinating on the Extranet. Have you ever seen any Anethian cinema?” The Doctor holds out a datapad, upon which he has pulled up a movie poster.

    “Nimons: Total Retribution,” Romana reads. “The Anethians made a movie about _us_?” She examines the image of an actress who is probably intended to be her fainting in the grip of “the Doctor’s” arms, retouched to the point where her skin looks like it is made of some sort of odd polymer. And as for the Doctor, _dear Rassilon_ , they could not _possibly_ have chosen an actor who resembles the genuine article any less. They’d slapped a hat and a lengthy scarf onto a professional bodybuilder, by the looks of it.

    “Apparently so. I was going to ask you to watch it with me.”

    “All right, why not? At the very least, it will be interesting to see how our own actions have become historically significant events within other cultures.” _And as an added bonus, it’s probably not possible to get yourself into a situation where I need to save your life again while we’re watching a movie. Well, at least, not for a second time._ Her mind wanders back to an incident a few months ago when the Doctor had apparently decided that using K-9’s laser to cook popcorn would be a wonderful idea. (The scorch marks still aren’t entirely gone).

    They go to a room in the TARDIS, one equipped with a big screen and a bigger sofa. Romana takes on the duty of popping the popcorn _safely_ this time, and the Doctor starts up the film.

 -

    The movie Doctor and Romana are sitting in a TARDIS console room set, one decked out with computer screens that span from floor to ceiling. “Well then. Looks like there’s a world that needs saving out there,” movie Doctor says with a smirk. “And maybe afterwards I can finally have a dance with my favorite girl.”

    “As _if,_ ” movie Romana replies, rolling her eyes. Nonetheless, it’s easy to see her take a lingering glance at the Doctor’s well-chiseled bum as he leaves through the TARDIS doors.

    Real Romana finds this decidedly not amusing.

-

    “Is that supposed to be… K-9?” Romana sputters in disbelief.

    “Affirmative, mistress,” the real K-9 replies. His cinematic counterpart is a hulking metal beast, one with six-inch claws and a comically-large plasma cannon for a mouth.

 

-

    The Doctor stands over a corpse, slathered in gallons of fake blood, his shirt ripped in titillating-yet-implausible ways. Though more Skonnian forces are fast approaching, he takes the time to deliver a riveting monologue about the Noble Sword of Retribution. Somehow, this does not cause the Skonnian troops to burst into fits of laughter.

 

-

 

    “How many Nimons have you seen today?” Romana snaps.

    “I have seen three… THOUSAND!” Soldeed presses a glowing button. Ancient-sounding choral music plays as a metal door behind him dilates open, and sure enough, behind it are thousands of Nimons. Thousands of Nimons armed with heavy machine guns.

    Romana accidentally stares directly into the camera before being captured by the nefarious villains.

-

    “My dreams of CON-quest!” Soldeed cries.

    “Conquer _this_ , you motherfucker!” The Doctor takes Soldeed’s horned staff, and thrusts it straight into... oh, _sweet Rassilon_ , that should _not_ be anatomically possible. That _isn’t_ anatomically possible.

 

-

   

    As the Power Complex explodes, Romana leaps into the Doctor’s muscular arms, the camera angle lingering on her ample cleavage. “We’ve defeated the Nimons,” she says, “And now, would you like to defeat _me_?” They kiss as a power ballad begins to play.

    The credits roll.

 

-

     
    “So there we have it,” the real Romana says, turning off the screen. “That movie was… bad.”

    “Just _bad?_ I found it to be fascinatingly bad. Bad enough that it somehow loops around and becomes quality entertainment again. Bad enough to leave the mind in a profoundly empty, zen-like state.”

    “I’d be quite pleased if you would tell me that, at the very least, this is the _only_ film that’s been produced about our exploits?” Romana folds her arms.

    “Well, I could say that,” the Doctor says, “But it wouldn’t be quite true. You see, there is this one also.” His fingers swipe his datapad a few times, and he shows Romana a different movie poster, one which bears words hideous enough to drive even the strongest minds to madness.

    _Passion in Green: Erato’s Eroticism._


End file.
